Since my last post. Our house on Rosetta St. sold and we bought a new...old creepy house. The funniest part of the new older home is that Rosetta was built in 1928 (i think) and Pleasant Place...built in 1971. The dating of the place was horrible. Late 60's glamour for sure. There was flocked wallpaper, maroon carpet, green shaggy carpet, wood pannelling and a crusty old kitchen - that's right...crusty. It was disgusting. Since then we have done a lot of updating and have finally been living in the house for 1 week exactly. I hope to be back tomorrow with house pics - but I must upload them from my phone to the computer.
But my real reason for posting is - Therapy.
Lately I have had several friends who will be or who have had babies. They all look glowingly beautiful, they all sound patient, they are all on facebook and twitter merely hours after having their little angels. And it has all made me feel so guilty. I didn't want to talk to anyone I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to sleep 24 hours a day and I needed someone to rock my colic-y baby. I feel so gulity for not responding immediately to texts and tweets and what not, right away. And I can't help but wonder why was my experience so different? I was excited to go home, but I did feel like I was doing a million sit ups everytime I even so much as thought about raising my legs, or sitting upright in bed, thanks to that c-section. I already had a baby who fed 45-60 minutes at a time every 2.5 hours or sooner...(that means at 1pm I would feed him for about an hour - you don't start your time at the end of the hour but rather at the beginning...so 1.5 hours later I was feeding him again). That was misery. Pure misery. I wasn't comfortable enough to feed him in front of people and it was a HUGE adjustment for me. I don't know why I didn't realize that was going to be my job, but I sure didn't. I thought about what all the books said...about what the nurses said 15 minutes every 3 hours. That sounds like a cake walk. Then he had colic, which means basically you can never leave your house without a screaming baby. I'm not saying Dean was a bad baby I am just saying I wish I would have just quit moping and made the most out of my time then. I wish I would have just packed away my pride, and fixed a giant bottle of formula and fed my hungry, fussy baby when we were out and he had a meltdown. I feel like I made it more about me and less about this new precious angel in my arms. But most of all I should have talked to someone and they would have likely perscribed me meds...good ones. Now I know for next time, I suppose. The baby blues are legit.
I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better about my time on maternity leave or my time with family immediately after Dean's birth. I kind of want to do it all over again and at the same time...never do it all over again. Life's crazy like that.
Sorry for the crazy sounding board. Sometimes nothing else helps but writing it out. And now I feel better. --I wonder if I can get the good post pardum drugs now, he's only 16 months.
Park City Utah
4 years ago
3 comments:
Just wanted to say that I know exactly what you mean and to give you hope that it may be different next time. Zane was a very colic-y baby. He screamed nonstop and was a slow nurser...not to mention he wanted to eat every 1.5 hours! I never wanted to leave home, moped around, cried about my upcoming return to work--basically, I was depressed. BUT, I didn't even realize it until I wasn't depressed anymore! I felt like I had missed the first six months of his life. So, this time I was prepared. I told my doctor during pregnancy that I was prepared for PPD and anti-depressants! By some miracle, Hollin is a totally different baby, and I feel way more "normal" after having her than I did after having Zane. Actually, having two kids has been easier than having ONE infant-Zane! Just know that you are not alone...and your little guy won't remember those days anyway!
Jessica, you are totally normal. I think blogs and facebook can make everything seem magical and flawless, when in reality we all struggle from time to time. I regret most of college. I think I was depressed for most of it and never admitted it! I would take those years back in a heartbeat. Don't even know who that person was. Adjusting to motherhood is a whole new ballgame and depending on the person and the baby it can be a completely different experience for everyone, so you really can't compare. Pregnancy #2 has been much harder for me than #1, physically, emotionally and mentally. I wasn't prepared for this. I'm really excited now and loving it but it took a while to digest! Don't regret it. It's a learning experience. You'll know what to prepare for next time! None of us really have it all figured out! Like Sarah said, he won't remember those days, so you're going to be just fine!
Post a Comment