Playing Catchup

Wow...10 months. How did I let this happen?





First off I didn't post after we just found out I was pregnant because I was in that weird stage. You know the I'm a little bit chunky not pregnant looking. Then after that phase left I entered the..i am just as large as my two friends who are due 2 months BEFORE me phase. I definitely didn't want to blog then. Then came the part where I got silent. Really silent. When nothing else mattered except wanting my daddy back. I still can't really grasp the whole event or things leading up to. But writing is cathartic right? Maybe this will help.

My dad has his first embolization (excuse me if that's not the correct term) on November 19th. Almost one year ago. The same night as he was in the hospital I took a pregnancy test...yep positive. Holy moly am I ready for this? nope. oh well - here we go. It was such a scary time in so many different ways. Exciting for both of us.
This new treatment was radical but aimed at really killing the cancer, that had all but taken over my dad's liver. I don't know that it really had taken over most of it, but in my mind that's what I think. I don't know if we ever really knew a percentage of anything b/c we didn't want to. We wanted to think positively...and we did. There is a lot that went on between then and June. I never really let myself think he was sick. I really didn't. I was sad about him being sick, real sad but he told me it was "all good" and we were going to beat this. I believed him. Because I am a daddy's girl always will be and the world revolved around me and him. It still does. To me the world stopped on June 8th -exactly my dad's half birthday. We lost the battle...the world lost a great great man. Most importantly I lost my daddy. The world hasn't been the same since. Life has been a blur. We are all learning to live in a world without him, but its hard. Days just aren't the same. I still find myself wanting to call him on Friday's. He had that day off so I knew I could call and talk to him. I think the new treatment did work...but like my sister said. Most people don't die from cancer, the treatment of the cancer is what kills them. I think that is true of my dad. I think the cancer was probably all clear - we will never know for sure, b/c he was set to go in for a scan the week he went to the hospital. He had wonderful people taking care of him and he laughed and joked with all the nurses. That was just like him. He was concerned more about others than himself. He never really wanted to talk about his sickness just about what was going on in your life. :) He was a truly great person. I will miss him forever.